Gates Thinks We'll Win Afghan War, Sees Dow At 30,000, Men On Mars

Secretary of State Robert Gates today issued an upbeat assessment of America's chances of prevailing in the war in Afghanistan, telling a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that "anybody who doesn't think we'll win is a spoilsport and totally uncool."

Gates also said he expects the Dow to soar to 30,000 by year-end, that men will land on Mars by April, that the I.R.S. will be abolished because once we win the war in Afghanistan we can finance the federal government on opium sales, and that the New York Mets will defeat the Kansas City Royals in four games in this October's World Series.

Gates, wearing dark glasses and speaking very slowly, told reporters that "everything is really fantastic" and that he was speaking for the President when he said that he was "really hungry" and wanted to know if "anybody here has any chocolate chip cookies."

The Secretary of Defense also told reporters that the Afghan people were "really cool, really trippy" and that he "dug their far-out flowing robes."

He concluded the press conference by extending the peace sign to reporters and informing them that "not only is Afghanistan winnable, but we'll stop off on the way home and kick the s--- out of Vietnam for good measure."

The White House was not available for comment because all West Wing employees were in the newly constructed meth lab located in the Rose Garden.

In Surprise Move, Patriots Trade Gisele Bundchen to Cowboys For Jessica Simpson, Draft Picks

On the eve of the upcoming NFL season, the New England Patriots have traded quarterback Tom Brady's wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, to the Dallas Cowboys for quarterback Tony Romo's girlfriend, model/actress/whatever Jessica Simpson, plus two third round draft choices in the 2011 draft.

"We think that Simpson can shake up our offense," Patriots coach Bill Belichick told a hastily assembled Foxboro news conference. "Since his injury, [Tom] Brady has been spending too long in the pocket. We think the addition of Simpson will increase his lateral mobility."

Belichick said that Jerry Jones was "more than eager" to accept Bundchen in exchange for Simpson and the draft choices, because "Jerry said he still blames Simpson for distracting Romo from the playoffs a couple of years back. Jerry also says that Bundchen is the only quarterback girlfriend in the NFL whose legs are long enough to stretch across that big new scoreboard of his."

When asked whether Simpson's long mane of blonde hair, leggy supermodel body, and "come hither eyes" would distract the Patriots from their mission of returning to the Super Bowl, he replied, "I'd rather look at her across the field than Plaxico Burress, and I think I'm speaking for most if not all of the team when I say that."

Sick Kids Hold Telethon To Benefit Jerry Lewis

"Have you seen Jerry lately?" Freddy Johnston, age 7, asked a hastily assembled Las Vegas news conference. "He looks horrible. So we sick kids of America are going to have a telethon this year to support Jerry Lewis. He's done so much for us. It's time for us to give back."

Johnston suffers from a rare form of leukemia called Fernofel's Syndrome, which has no known symptoms and no known causes and has never been responsible for the death of a child but does require approximately $78,000 per year in prescription drugs.

"Jerry Lewis has done so much for children," Johnston said. "But he looks worse than any of us. The idea that he would stay up all night again just to help us--we just can't handle it. So we're going to take care of him this year."

Johnston said that if his parents let him stay up late, he and the other sick kids hoped to raise "somewhere in the area of $4.25 for Mr. Lewis. It's not much, but maybe he can buy some Advil or something. Because it looks like there's no cure for the telethon, and that's just not something we kids can feel good about."

"The View" Wins Daytime Emmy For Best Show Involving Women Of Various Races, Ages, Political Viewpoints, and Attractiveness Fawning Over Guests

"The View" took home a Daytime Emmy today for Best Show Involving Women Of Various Races, Ages, Political Viewpoints, and Attractiveness Fawning Over Guests. It was the only show in the category and won with 42% of the vote.





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Lockerbie Bomber Says Prison Was Okay, Except For The Haggis

Convicted and released Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi told a hastily assembled Tripoli news conference that he was grateful to his Scottish captors for releasing him because he was "sick not of imprisonment but of haggis."

Al-Megrahi said that the steady diet of haggis, Scotland's traditional dish made of sheep's lung, had contributed to his terminal illness and that he would not have minded staying in prison if it were not for the dish.

"Haggis for breakfast, haggis for lunch, haggis for dinner," al-Megrahi told reporters. "I liked the Scottish people I met including my prison guards, the golfers I met, the people who sang that song about 'O Flower of Scotland.' Very beautiful. But that haggis completely ruined my system. I petitioned for corn flakes, but all I could get was haggis, haggis, haggis."

Al-Megrahi said that his sole regret in life was that he did not bring down a jumbo jet over northern Italy.

"Fettucini, risotto, polenta, calimari," al-Megrahi told reporters in a dreamy tone of voice. "Anybody got an Alitalia schedule?"

Sharpton Claims LAPD Investigating Jackson Homicide "Only Because He's White"

Reverend Al Sharpton today told a hastily assembled Brooklyn, New York news conference that the reason Michael Jackson's death was still the subject of an LAPD homicide investigation is "only because he's white."

"Plenty of African Americans are killed every day," Rev. Sharpton told reporters. "But their deaths are never investigated. Police just write them off as gang killings. But when a white man dies, the Los Angeles Police Department springs into action."

"If Michael Jackson had been a Black man," Sharpton said, "this would never be happening. It's like I always say--when there's justice, there's just us."

Lynn Jenkins: "I Meant Waist-High Grope, Not Great White Hope"

Kansas freshman Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins today told a hastily assembled Wichita news conference that she had been "viciously misquoted" by a "vast left-wing media conspiracy" and that she had not said the Republicans were looking for a "great white hope" to run against President Barack Obama in 2012.

"I never said great white hope," Jenkins told reporters. "What I said was, I was so lonely and deprived of male physical contact that I was hoping to receive a waist-high grope from someone, preferably a man built like one of those Chippendales or Thunder Down Under guys you see in Vegas."

Jenkins, who has lived in Kansas all her life, told reporters that "I meant nothing against President Obama. My remark wasn't even political in nature. I'm just a lonely, lonely woman and the Congressmen I've met in D.C. are far more interested in having affairs with their underage pages than with a mature, robust woman like myself."

The Congresswoman told reporters that "while my comment obviously had been twisted by the liberal media to imply that we needed a white man to beat Obama, my intent was purely sexual. One waist-high grope and I'll be feeling like my old self again."